Listen, man. I know it hurts.
To come so close...just to be rejected in the end. To cruise into the Top 20...but not get a rose. To swipe right and match...just to be ghosted before the first date.
That’s a two-footed, corporate heart stomp if I’ve ever seen one.
And while I know it probably seems like life isn’t worth living anymore because they were The One, just know... There are plenty more corporate bids in the sea.
And somewhere in it, there’s the perfect one for you. You just haven’t met it yet.
I know it’s going to take some time for the relentless, soul-crushing, minute-to-minute, cry-yourself-to-sleep pain and misery to fade, but I promise it will. And when it does, it'll all have been worth it because you’ll have a special corporate HQ relocation project of your own. And you’ll both be very happy together.
I can’t tell you when it’ll happen, but you’ll know when it does because it’ll take your breath away, just like Terri Nunn, Nicholas Sparks, and every romcom starring Dermot Mulroney has always promised.
But, in case you still need convincing, come home tonight and take a good look in the mirror. You’ll see the same smart, funny, attractive, well-mannered city from a respectable state that the rest of us do. Then, dry those eyes and sleep tight because you’ve got some searching to do.
Don’t wait. Get back out there, man!
Plus, just think… Once you finally meet that special company and you both decide to move in together (we’ll discuss arrangements later), news outlets all over the country will be talking about you.
Dude, Amazon’s going to be so jealous.
P.S. Do you have any idea where the remote is? I checked all the couch cushions, but I still can’t... Actually, never mind, I think I left it upstairs when I was getting my Snuggie. Anyway, chin up.